I was hesitant in writing right now because I didn’t have anything in mind to post and I thought I was too fragile to force anything out. But God told me to do it anyway, so here we go.
I have been going through one of the hardest seasons of my life. I have started so many blog posts and have left them unfinished. I felt like since I’m still learning about the topics I want to talk about, they feel premature. Yet, I felt like I should write something. I don’t have a topic in mind; I’m simply speaking from the heart and allowing the Holy Spirit to speak through me.
One of the things that has made this season so hard is that it feels like the storm has gone on for SO long. Another reason is because I feel like I’ve had to let go of life as I knew it, physically and mentally. I’m trying to not over-generalize because there is so much good in my life. So many things, the things that I considered most important, have all been uncertain. God has shaken me in a way that seems familiar, but this time I’m being navigated through it differently.
Before, I handled situations like the one I’m currently in by asking God to lead me and then doing everything in my power to better the situation; what I called, doing my part. I’ve lived an unconventional life since I was 15 years old. Having to constantly be in fight or flight or survival mode since a young age had produced overly controlling tendencies. I became anxious when I didn’t have everything figured out or at least exhausted every option. Now, I’m in a situation that is so similar to something I’ve lived through already. But this time, God is asking something different of me. Something so foreign that it feels wrong and like I’m going against my natural instincts, because I am. God is showing me how to trust Him fully and value his presence as the priceless gift it is. Same battle, different weapon.
I shared in a previous post (Faith pt.1) a little about what was going on in my life at the time. God had asked me to simply trust Him and He’d take care of everything. He has indeed provided, He has always taken care of me, but not in the way I was expecting. Since then, I’ve still “done my part” but more subtly. Funnily enough, God had intercepted all my attempts to get my life on track and get some sense of structure. Which of course, has led to many tears and frustrated conversations with God, because it just makes no sense to me. If I’m doing everything right, I’m trusting God, building things right this time around, why does it seem like everything leads to a “no” from God?? I even tried to do things the “logical” way, what anybody in my position would do. God changed those plans.
I had been fighting the urge to take things into my own hands, allowing God to guide me without resisting. A couple days ago, I laid in bed absolutely drained. I felt like I had put my all into doing everything right and still came up empty. I couldn’t understand how God could see my situation and ask me to do nothing but trust Him. Pastor Sarah put it best when she described her situation by saying, it’s like having a friend who is a gazillionaire and while you’re struggling to put food on the table, they know your situation and although they have the power to help and fix everything, they don’t. One of my biggest frustrations was that I felt like God wasn’t answering my prayers quick enough or the way I wanted. Basically, it was a “If you’re not going to do it, let me.”
Physically I am healthy and strong, thank God. Spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, I felt every hit all at once. I knew I wasn’t going to quit, that was never an option. But, I also knew that in that moment, I didn’t have the strength or will to keep going. I begged God to carry me through. I couldn’t keep pushing, the only way I would make it was if He picked me up and carried me. He did. With God carrying me, I felt like the only thing I should do was keep my eyes on Him to keep from sinking. I still felt the urge to freak out any time I thought about the “reality” of the circumstances around me.
I listened to a sermon today by Pastor Toure Roberts and a Woman Evolve podcast episode where Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts was speaking on something similar but from a personal perspective. Both these beautiful messages were exactly what I needed to hear. They were a confirmation and loving push into this new mindset God has given me. Here are some notes and quotes that I gathered from both:
“You better recognize.” - Sunday Sermon
“If it makes you hungry for the presence of God, that is a blessing.”
“God reintroduces parts that had been gradually neglected.”
“Bless THROUGH me.” Instead of constantly asking “Bless me.”
“Seek first the Kingdom of God” = RECOGNIZE the kingdom of God.
“Their full integration released heaven’s reality into their earthly circumstance.”
“What are you trying to control so much you stopped trusting God with it?”
“Be unbothered by circumstance because you see God right.”
“Get Over Yourself.” - Podcast Episode:
Remove the pride that you can get it done all by yourself.
Do you think you can lead yourself better than God can?
“Our relationship with God isn’t meant to be transactional.”
“You’re in it with me, God.” God is in my situation with me; I’m not going through it alone.
“Success is how you rest in the presence of God.”
God’s actions aren’t what we should be focused on, it's His presence.
The presence of God is enough.
As I’m typing this out, I realize that if things had gone my way, I probably wouldn’t be writing this. I knew God wanted me to give up control because He is the only one that should get the credit at the end of this process. What I didn’t know was that God was slowly disarming me. He was letting me know it’s okay to let go, I don’t have to control everything anymore. I’m surviving by His grace, mercy, and love; not by my own efforts. I was taught as a child that I have to pull my own weight, do my part, help out, or I’d be a burden. I’m not a burden to God. Our heavenly Father wants to take care of us and wants us to lean on Him.
God’s presence is enough. His presence is such a reward.
This past Sunday, the pastor speaking at my church said, “Don’t waste your wilderness.” and that spoke to me. Now I'm moving forward with a new perspective. As long as I can feel God’s presence, I have everything I need. I knew this, but now I feel it. If I’m in a season that feels like I’m going through the wilderness, I know it’s for a reason, God is shaping me and molding me. I will learn as much as I can and I will allow Him to guide me. I will not waste my wilderness.
If you’re going through a similar situation, where you feel uncertain, please reach out. I’d love to pray with you!
I hope this helps you.
-Love, Jen.
