Coming Home.

In the pursuit of being more like God and becoming who He created me to be, I’ve realized all the many things I still need to work on. The past few days have been beautiful. God has shown me a new side of Him that I hadn’t experienced yet. He’s shown me how lovingly He takes care of me when I’m not busy fighting Him every step of the way.

God has changed my mindset forever. I recognized that all God really wanted from me was my surrender and gratitude. All I’ve needed to do all along is recognize that God is always with me, and enjoy His presence. By trying to rush His process, I've been neglecting the beautiful privilege that is His company. 

I didn’t realize how hard it was for me to be still. Mostly because anytime I was still for too long I’d jump into a new task to occupy myself. Being productive in any way made living in the unknown somewhat bearable. I thought doing nothing to fix my situation was irresponsible and a waste of time. What I was really doing was trying to control the only thing I could, my time.

I’ve surrendered to God many times. I’ve experienced moments of complete peace and gratitude knowing I’m fully taken care of. But one thing that always crossed my mind in those moments was “I wonder how long this feeling will last.” or “Will I still feel this way when God puts me in another uncomfortable situation?” 

The answer to these questions was “not long.” and “no.”

What changed?

I surrender peacefully now because I’ve realized that God never needed me to “carry my own weight”. I was draining myself by trying to keep my hand on the wheel, I didn’t want God to think I was lazy and undeserving. I was trying to earn something that can’t be earned. What I was also failing to realize was that God WANTS to take care of us. He doesn’t need us to prove ourselves to Him, He knows our hearts.

The other night I was driving past the building of a job I had gotten a few months ago that ultimately fell through. In that moment, God opened my eyes. Everything I had ever gone through, all the “no’s”, all the closed doors, all the things that felt like failures, it was all God leading me to this moment. I finally felt complete peace. I finally trusted God in the way He wanted me to. I finally released control to Him knowing I didn’t have to take care of myself anymore. I finally saw Him for who He is. Not just a provider and protector, but also a loving Father. I was finally able to realize that experiencing His presence IS the blessings. Having Him with me every step of the way is all I’ve needed all along. I could finally declare, “God, you’re all that I need.” and mean it. 

Now I know that my job is to wait on Him. He will provide; He always does. He continues to provide for my wants and needs, right on time. So if I don’t have access to what I want at that exact moment, I know I must not need it right then. My heavenly Father continues to prove that He is worthy of my unwavering trust and faith. He constantly reminds me that He just wants me to trust Him and be grateful, and he gives me more reasons to be daily.

I found myself thinking about my apartment and how no matter what situation I was going through, I always had that space to come home to. It hurt to think that I didn’t have that place of safety anymore. The Holy Spirit showed me how I was tying my comfort to physical security. This always left me feeling anxious anytime those things were threatened. As I surrendered that need, God provided me a home that would never be taken away, His presence. Now it doesn't matter what the circumstances look like, my place of safety follows me wherever I go.

He also revealed to me that I kept reverting back to stress and anxiety in turbulent situations because I thought I had to be stronger in order to avoid these feelings. When I couldn’t be strong, I felt like the anxiety had beat me. The reality is, in these moments of uncertainty, I don’t need to be stronger; I just need to go home. It was never about avoiding hardship; it’s about knowing where to take shelter when we do experience difficulties. 

I now know how it feels to be home in God’s presence. Sometimes we feel like we can’t keep going; sometimes we feel overwhelmed and like the situation we’re facing might drown us. In those moments God’s not asking us to be stronger, He’s calling us home. Now my surrender feels natural, my gratitude is unconditional, and my trust in God grows every day. 

What changed? I know my way home now.