God saved my life, again.

I always say that I learn something new about God every single day. I feel like I grow so much and become a better version of myself daily because God is constantly introducing me to a new layer of Him. Certain revelations are so powerful that it feels like God saved my life all over again. Today I’d like to share with you the most recent revelation that changed my life for the better.

For a while now I’ve realized that I was struggling with making decisions, even seemingly insignificant ones. I didn’t want to make a wrong choice and completely derail God’s plan for me. I had been so obedient and always made sure to be strict with myself so I could prevent any setbacks. When talking about these feelings I used this analogy: When you’re driving in a big city, one wrong turn can make your ETA extend by 25 minutes. Similarly, I don’t want to make the wrong decision and have to take a detour which is only going to delay my blessings that I’ve worked so hard for.

 Having this mindset caused me to constantly feel exhausted and drained. I realize now that I’ve done this for a while and it stemmed from a place of paranoia and still holding on to some form of control. I felt like if I did everything as best as possible, I could prevent the “avoidable” difficulties from happening. I know hardship is part of the journey, however, I thought I could skip some by making the right decisions. 

Eventually, I realized the extremity of what I was doing. I was aware of the paranoia I felt when trying to make the “right” decision, but I started noticing it more when I constantly found myself in tears because I didn’t know exactly what God wanted me to do. I was going through pretty intense situations and I was EXHAUSTED. I felt like I couldn’t afford to make one wrong turn because God delivering me from these situations depended on me getting everything right and being obedient in every single way. I couldn’t understand why I felt this way because I thought I was doing the right thing.

I was scrolling through Instagram and one of the Pastors I follow posted a clip of her sermon from the previous Sunday and a few slides with quotes she spoke. She was speaking about what I had been feeling and didn’t have the language for yet. One of the quotes that really spoke to me was, “You are not powerful enough to destroy God’s will for your life.” I instantly felt a shift. The more God spoke to me about it, the sillier I felt. How dare I think that I was the one holding up the fort. How dare I think that God blessing me depended on me making all the right decisions.

God continued to speak to me reminding me that He is not like an earthly father. His love isn’t conditional. He doesn’t reward us solely based on our good behavior. He said to me, “If I blessed you when you were living in sin, how much more do you think I’ll bless you now that you’re living in me.” We serve a merciful and gracious God. How silly of me to forget that it isn’t by my works that God’s plans come to fruition. 

God had been working on freeing me from this mindset that had me bound for so long. He spoke to me strongly through a few different people. Dex Jakes said, “If it’s not the thing, it’s the thing leading you to the thing.” Which reminded me that everything I go through was carefully orchestrated by God to help me grow and get me closer to the purpose He called me for. Another quote from Dr. Anita Phillip’s Instagram post that I read was, “You are obsessed with getting it right because you’re obsessed with never being in pain.” This spoke to me deeply because that was exactly what I was doing. I was taking matters into my own hands without even realizing it. I thank God for speaking to me and freeing me. I knew something needed to change but I didn’t know what it was. Turns out it was me. God healed years’ worth of trauma that caused me to think He would only bless me if I proved myself. He reminded me that He’s the same God that has loved me, cared for me, and protected me through every season of my life.

I feel free now. God has planned out my entire life and nothing that I do can change His purpose for me. Now I am more open to God’s blessings because I know I can’t take any credit for them. God saved my life, again.